Curse You, Wonder Pets!
Mr. C's grandpa introduced him to the Nickelodeon show 'Wonder Pets!'. It's their buddy-bonding activity when we visit. And it is yet anther reason why I'm just as happy we don't have cable.
In case you don't know the premise of the show, it revolves around three classroom pets -- a self-important gerbil, a gender-challenged turtle, and a duckling with a speech impediment -- who sneak off after school's closed to save baby animals whose neglectful parents have allowed to get into dangerous situations.
It really wouldn't be so bad if the damn animals wouldn't insist on singing EVERY FRICKIN' THING. Each show is the longest fifteen minutes of my life. Let me create an episode for you:
SCENE: outside school. Bell rings, and there is the sound of happy children leaving. "Here's the picture I painted today, Mommy!" "Thanks for sharing your fruitsnacks with the class, Tommy!" "See you tomorrow, Gender-Challenged Turtle!" Et cetera. Noises die down, and scene morphs to inner classroom, focusing on SELF-IMPORTANT GERBIL, GENDER-CHALLENGED TURTLE, and DUCKLING WITH SPEECH IMPEDIMENT, each in its own tank. A tin-can phone rings.
SONG!
SELF-IMPORTANT GERBIL: (throwing on a baseball hat, jumping out of his tank, singing) The phone! The phone is ringing!
DUCKLING WITH SPEECH IMPEDIMENT: (throwing on an aviator's hat, jumping out of her tank, singing) De phone! De phone is winging!
GENDER-CHALLENGED TURTLE: (throwing on a stylish pair of retro Converse sneakers, a fashion-forward beanie cap, and a FABulous red cape, jumping out of his tank, singing) There's an animal in trouble!
SELF-IMPORTANT GERBIL: (singing) There's an animal in trouble!
DUCKLING WITH SPEECH IMPEDIMENT: (singing) Der's a animaw in twouble!
END OF SONG!
SELF-IMPORTANT GERBIL: (Picks up phone before other teammates can. Listens.) Oh no! A baby gorilla has fallen into a diamond mine shaft! We've got to help!
GENDER-CHALLENGED TURTLE: But what can we do?
DUCKLING WITH SPEECH IMPEDIMENT: Wid teamwok, we can do anyting!
SONG!
SELF-IMPORTANT GERBIL: (jumping to Wondermobile) What's gonna work?
ALL: (singing) TEAMWORK!
GENDER-CHALLENGED TURTLE: (prancing to Wondermobile) What's gonna work?
ALL: TEAMWORK!
END OF SONG!
All take off in Wondermobile and fly to Africa, inexplicably immediately locating one BABY GORILLA in a diamond mine amongst 11,700,000 square miles of terrain.
SELF-IMPORTANT GERBIL: (Landing the Wondermobile, hopping out, running up to BABY GORILLA) Don't worry, Baby Gorilla! We'll save you!
GENDER-CHALLENGED TURTLE: Oh no! We need to hurry! There's hardly any air down here, and the gorilla is starting to suffocate!
DUCKLING WITH SPEECH IMPEDIMENT: Hmmmm . . . dis is a pwedicament!
SELF-IMPORTANT GERBIL: Let's sing a song about it while we figure out how to rescue the slowly-suffocating Baby Gorilla!
ALL: Yay!
SONG!
GENDER-CHALLENGED TURTLE: There's a baby! A baby gorilla!
SELF-IMPORTANT GERBIL: And it's trapped! Inside a diamond mine!
DUCKLING WITH SPEECH IMPEDIMENT: Wer dwid cnfsglrtsw yrpdklmsda!!!
WONDER PETS spot a dumbwaiter, nudge BABY GORILLA onto it, and use TEAMWORK to raise THEMSELVES and BABY GORILLA out of their slow-suffocating pwedicament in the diamond mine.
STILL SINGING!
SELF-IMPORTANT GERBIL: (jumping from dumbwaiter) What's gonna work?
ALL: (singing) TEAMWORK!
GENDER-CHALLENGED TURTLE: (prancing from dumbwaiter) What's gonna work?
ALL: TEAMWORK!
END OF SONG!
MOTHER AND FATHER GORILLA, apparently fearing the WONDER PETS! have a direct link to Child Protective Services, suddenly rush forward, feigning simultaneous worry and relief.
MOTHER GORILLA: My baby! I was so worried! And now I'm relieved!
FATHER GORILLA: Thank you, Wonder Pets! Whatever can we do to keep this out of the papers, if you know what I mean?
SELF-IMPORTANT GERBIL: Oh, don't worry! Rescuing baby animals is what we do!
Wonder Pets jump/prance to the Wondermobile and fly off.
YET ANOTHER SONG!
ALL: Wonder Pets, Wonder Pets, save the day!
GENDER-CHALLENGED TURTLE: We're not too big!
DUCKLING WITH SPEECH IMPEDIMENT: Ad wir not too tough!
SELF-IMPORTANT GERBIL: But if we work together it's just enough!
ALL: GOOOoooooOOO Wonder Pets!
END OF SONG!
Wonder Pets fly back to inner classroom, hop into their respective tanks, remove their fashion accessories, and reminisce about their exploits.
SELF-IMPORTANT GERBIL: Well, team, what did we learn today?
DUCKLING WITH SPEECH IMPEDIMENT: We lewned about the dangews of Capitawlistic Consumewism on the enviwoment and how it effects the fwowa and fawna of Afwica!
Silence.
GENDER-CHALLENGED TURTLE: And we learned about TEAMWORK!
ALL: YAY!
SONG!
CHORUS OF SCREECHING CHILDREN: Wonder Pets! Wonder Pets! Save The Day!
And that is fifteen minutes of your life that you will never get back.
That one's for you, Dad.
In case you don't know the premise of the show, it revolves around three classroom pets -- a self-important gerbil, a gender-challenged turtle, and a duckling with a speech impediment -- who sneak off after school's closed to save baby animals whose neglectful parents have allowed to get into dangerous situations.
It really wouldn't be so bad if the damn animals wouldn't insist on singing EVERY FRICKIN' THING. Each show is the longest fifteen minutes of my life. Let me create an episode for you:
SCENE: outside school. Bell rings, and there is the sound of happy children leaving. "Here's the picture I painted today, Mommy!" "Thanks for sharing your fruitsnacks with the class, Tommy!" "See you tomorrow, Gender-Challenged Turtle!" Et cetera. Noises die down, and scene morphs to inner classroom, focusing on SELF-IMPORTANT GERBIL, GENDER-CHALLENGED TURTLE, and DUCKLING WITH SPEECH IMPEDIMENT, each in its own tank. A tin-can phone rings.
SONG!
SELF-IMPORTANT GERBIL: (throwing on a baseball hat, jumping out of his tank, singing) The phone! The phone is ringing!
DUCKLING WITH SPEECH IMPEDIMENT: (throwing on an aviator's hat, jumping out of her tank, singing) De phone! De phone is winging!
GENDER-CHALLENGED TURTLE: (throwing on a stylish pair of retro Converse sneakers, a fashion-forward beanie cap, and a FABulous red cape, jumping out of his tank, singing) There's an animal in trouble!
SELF-IMPORTANT GERBIL: (singing) There's an animal in trouble!
DUCKLING WITH SPEECH IMPEDIMENT: (singing) Der's a animaw in twouble!
END OF SONG!
SELF-IMPORTANT GERBIL: (Picks up phone before other teammates can. Listens.) Oh no! A baby gorilla has fallen into a diamond mine shaft! We've got to help!
GENDER-CHALLENGED TURTLE: But what can we do?
DUCKLING WITH SPEECH IMPEDIMENT: Wid teamwok, we can do anyting!
SONG!
SELF-IMPORTANT GERBIL: (jumping to Wondermobile) What's gonna work?
ALL: (singing) TEAMWORK!
GENDER-CHALLENGED TURTLE: (prancing to Wondermobile) What's gonna work?
ALL: TEAMWORK!
END OF SONG!
All take off in Wondermobile and fly to Africa, inexplicably immediately locating one BABY GORILLA in a diamond mine amongst 11,700,000 square miles of terrain.
SELF-IMPORTANT GERBIL: (Landing the Wondermobile, hopping out, running up to BABY GORILLA) Don't worry, Baby Gorilla! We'll save you!
GENDER-CHALLENGED TURTLE: Oh no! We need to hurry! There's hardly any air down here, and the gorilla is starting to suffocate!
DUCKLING WITH SPEECH IMPEDIMENT: Hmmmm . . . dis is a pwedicament!
SELF-IMPORTANT GERBIL: Let's sing a song about it while we figure out how to rescue the slowly-suffocating Baby Gorilla!
ALL: Yay!
SONG!
GENDER-CHALLENGED TURTLE: There's a baby! A baby gorilla!
SELF-IMPORTANT GERBIL: And it's trapped! Inside a diamond mine!
DUCKLING WITH SPEECH IMPEDIMENT: Wer dwid cnfsglrtsw yrpdklmsda!!!
WONDER PETS spot a dumbwaiter, nudge BABY GORILLA onto it, and use TEAMWORK to raise THEMSELVES and BABY GORILLA out of their slow-suffocating pwedicament in the diamond mine.
STILL SINGING!
SELF-IMPORTANT GERBIL: (jumping from dumbwaiter) What's gonna work?
ALL: (singing) TEAMWORK!
GENDER-CHALLENGED TURTLE: (prancing from dumbwaiter) What's gonna work?
ALL: TEAMWORK!
END OF SONG!
MOTHER AND FATHER GORILLA, apparently fearing the WONDER PETS! have a direct link to Child Protective Services, suddenly rush forward, feigning simultaneous worry and relief.
MOTHER GORILLA: My baby! I was so worried! And now I'm relieved!
FATHER GORILLA: Thank you, Wonder Pets! Whatever can we do to keep this out of the papers, if you know what I mean?
SELF-IMPORTANT GERBIL: Oh, don't worry! Rescuing baby animals is what we do!
Wonder Pets jump/prance to the Wondermobile and fly off.
YET ANOTHER SONG!
ALL: Wonder Pets, Wonder Pets, save the day!
GENDER-CHALLENGED TURTLE: We're not too big!
DUCKLING WITH SPEECH IMPEDIMENT: Ad wir not too tough!
SELF-IMPORTANT GERBIL: But if we work together it's just enough!
ALL: GOOOoooooOOO Wonder Pets!
END OF SONG!
Wonder Pets fly back to inner classroom, hop into their respective tanks, remove their fashion accessories, and reminisce about their exploits.
SELF-IMPORTANT GERBIL: Well, team, what did we learn today?
DUCKLING WITH SPEECH IMPEDIMENT: We lewned about the dangews of Capitawlistic Consumewism on the enviwoment and how it effects the fwowa and fawna of Afwica!
Silence.
GENDER-CHALLENGED TURTLE: And we learned about TEAMWORK!
ALL: YAY!
SONG!
CHORUS OF SCREECHING CHILDREN: Wonder Pets! Wonder Pets! Save The Day!
And that is fifteen minutes of your life that you will never get back.
That one's for you, Dad.
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