Baaad Idea
Sometimes I just don’t know what Hollywood is thinking. The other day we borrowed “Two Brothers” from the library. It as directed by the same guy who did “The Bear”, using live tigers and creating a storyline for them to act out. I’m assuming it is supposed to be a kid’s movie, as evidenced by the fact that the two adorable baby tigers pictured on the front cover amidst an unnaturally green jungle were not being shot at by a heroic-looking male while a scantily-clad woman knelt at his feet.
If it was supposed to be for kids,
however, they lost me totally within the movie’s first ten minutes,
when the Mommy Tiger and Daddy tiger meet for the first time.
Now, I should preface this by saying
that – since I have a background in animal behavior -- I’m rarely
a fan of animal movies where the director attempts to suggest what the
animal is feeling based on his OWN whim; it’s all much too
anthropomorphic for me. So, I hope it’s not too off-base for me to
have felt a little insulted when this director chose to show the Mommy
Tiger and Daddy Tiger having some huge sexual-tension scene amidst
ancient Asian temple ruins. That’s right: we get to watch the
tigers growling at each other, then exposing their bellies (hello!),
then chasing each other amongst the lush vegetation of the ruins as
violins follow their exploits.
I assume we were supposed to watch the
scene and comment to ourselves about the beautiful cinematography
and the director’s brave portrayal of gritty passion, as expressed
via his animal actors and without the use of words. But I just wasn’t
concentrating on that: I was concentrating on feeling icky when the
Daddy Tiger lined himself up behind the Mommy Tiger, the music
(and, presumably, other things) swelled, and the camera panned away to show the temple’s ivy-covered
statues as the sounds of “UUUUMPH!” "UUUUUMPH!” echoed
insistently off their creepily-grinning, voyeuristic faces.
It was at that point that I reverted to
my portable dvd player and the third season of “The Office”,
leaving my child unattended to watch tiger porn on his own.
Because I’m THAT kind of mom.
I was so disgusted by the film that I
actually lost a little respect for the movie’s main human actor,
Guy Pierce, with whom – until that point – I had always secretly
hoped to marry and make beautiful babies.
Some other ‘kids’ movies where
one must wonder what the studio execs were smoking when they authorized
certain scenes:
1) Bambi. HIS MOM GETS HER HEAD BLOWN
OFF.
2) The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
BASICALLY THE WHOLE THING.
You know, there are a lot of good
stories out there, which makes me wonder why the hell Disney decided
it would be a good idea to turn this very-adult, very-depressing book
into a kid’s cartoon. I mean, I actually read the book (well, the
abridged version), and it was (in my humble opinion) truly awful.
Victor Hugo spent AN ENTIRE CHAPTER describing just the bells of Notre
Dame. AN ENTIRE CHAPTER. By the time I’d fought my way to the
other end of the book, I was ready to throw my own self off a
bell tower. Why the good folks at Disney felt this would make
appropriate kid-fodder is beyond me.
I think the low point of the cartoon
comes when they show the evil judge (who they at least had the good
sense to change from the book’s “priest” villain) as he
slithers behind the scantily-topped gypsy woman and mutters something
insinuating to her, to which she spits back, “I know what you were
thinking!” in a most-suggestive manner. Come on; was that really
necessary in a ‘kid’s’ movie??
Really, was any of it necessary? Maybe
Disney thought that making the book into a movie would encourage our
youth to return to the classics of literature; but you know it really
means that no teen will ever read the piece o’ crap book now that
they can watch it being murdered on celluloid instead. (Although,
honestly, I don’t consider it murder: I consider it just a really
botched attempt at euthanasia).
3) Shrek. Lord Farquaad gets an
erection while watching a video of Princess Fiona.
(Although, honestly, the movie makes it
pretty plain that it’s really just as much for adults as kids . . .
so I guess I shouldn’t get too stiff [ha!] about cartoons with
hard-ons.)
4) Toy Story 3. Ugh: one huge, long,
depressing story where I just want them all to get into therapy.
Maybe one issue per movie would have been OK, but here you’ve got
abandonment issues, sexual seduction, callous murderous intent, the
inability to stop the march of time and the sad changes it brings,
and probably a host of other things I’d remember if I’d watch the
movie again. Which I have NO DESIRE TO DO. And all of this is capped
by a climactic scene in an incinerator, where we spend several
loooooong, dramatic minutes watching our favorite characters slowly
get sucked towards the fire: as the over-bearing music swells, they
sadly gaze into each others’ eyes and individually clasp each
others’ hands with resolution (Close-up of Woody resolutely
clasping Buzz’s hand! Close-up of Buzz resolutely clasping Jesse’s
hand! Close-up of Jesse resolutely clasping Slink’s hand!
Close-up of Slink resolutely clasping Rex’s hand! Close-up of HOW
MANY MORE CLOSE-UPS DO I NEED TO GET THE POINT!!!! THEY ARE
RESOLVED!!!! THEY ARE SAD!!!!! YOU WANT ME TO BE SAD, TOO!!!!)
5) The Never-Ending Story. Must we
really spend more than 10 seconds watching a pure-white horse be slowly
and agonizingly sucked into quicksand whilst his child-rider screams
and cries and CRIES helplessly by? Hmmmm? Must we?
6) Fantasia. "Night on Bald Mountain" is
ABOUT THE DEVIL. 'Nuff said.
7) Fantasia 2000. That whole phoenix
thing where the woodland sprite is systematically chased and killed,
only to rise again? I could have skipped the whole 'chased and killed'
part.
8) Aladdin. Princess Jasmine has fake
boobs. You know she does. How else could she keep that top up without
straps?
Anyway, sorry if you liked some of
these movies and I just trashed them. But at least you don’t have
to wonder anymore how I feel about them.
(And, NO, it would not be
“just hilarious!!” to now get Hunchback or Toy Story 3 for Mr. C’s
Christmas present. You know who you are; I’M ON TO YOU.)
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