What To Expect When You Aren't Expecting
I have a few friends who are pregnant, and I keep trying to think of appropriate, yet original, baby gifts. In the last few months, I've read several books that I would love to send to them; they'd definitely be original . . . however, I don't know that these particular friends would find them appropriate.
Still, in the spirit of selfless service, I thought I'd share these books with all of you; perhaps you have a pregnant friend, particularly a first-time parent, who would find these books helpful.
Go The F*** To Sleep
This book employs soothing poetry and soft illustrations to lull you into a sense of peacefulness at one of the most trying times for new (and seasoned) parents: bedtime. My favorite passage:
The eagles who soar through the sky are at rest
And the creatures who crawl, run and creep
I know you're not thirsty. That's bullshit. Stop lying.
Lie the fuck down, my darling, and sleep.
OK, be offended all you want, but you know you've thought this very thing with your own kids, your nieces and nephews, and that obnoxiously-screaming child next door.
Here's Samuel L. Jackson's rendition of it:
Remember what Tom Selleck's character says in Three Men and a Baby: "It doesn't matter what I read, it's the tone you use. She doesn't understand the words anyway"
In other words, feel free to read Go The F*** To Sleep to your nine-month-old. He's too stupid to know what you're saying.
Sippy Cups Are Not For Chardonnay and Naptime Is The New Happy Hour
"When you're pregnant, people constantly assure you that you'll feel this incredible, overwhelming love for your baby, like nothing you've ever known before (clearly most of them have never done ecstasy), the very second your sweet little bundle is placed into your waiting arms. They say that whether you are scared or ill prepared or excited and impatient to be a parent, you will experience a deep unfathomably profound bond right away. Let me take a moment to let you in on a little secret: bullshit."
- from Sippy Cups Are Not For Chardonnay
I totally want to be Stephanie Wilder-Taylor's friend. She writes the way I think, with an irrevrent, though loving, look at parenting and life in general. I feel very strongly that she and I are kindred spirits; separated sisters; the same soul in two minds. So maybe her mind is more successful and articulate than mine, and maybe her mind doesn't understand a passionately-written 27-page fan-letter for what it is and chooses to interpret it as 'creepy', but so what? I'm sure I'll be able to convince her otherwise when I actually speak to her in person. As soon as the restraining order expires.
Free-Range Kids
Now this book is perfect for parents of older kids. Written by 'America's Worst Mom', it dispels a lot of the myths about how unsafe the world is and why we shouldn't allow our kids to be independent. I don't consider myself to be much of a 'helicopter mother' anyway, but Free-Range Kids has helped me try even harder to get Mr. C to do small things on his own, with the thought that it'll give him a greater sense of self-confidence.
Of course, there will be bumps along the way. For instance, the friend who showed me this book told me about her first failed attempt to be free-range. Her two 4-H kids, aged 5 and 8, had been at the fair three days in a row to show their chickens. On the fourth day, she set them up in chairs in the same barn they'd been in for days, gave them each an ice cream cone, then ran to a nearby kiosk to buy them ride tickets. As she waited in the long line, in the sweltering heat, she congratulated herself on being such a good mom and not subjecting her little ones to sunstroke and boredom. However, in the 20 minutes she was gone, her children somehow ended up, crying and hysterical, at the Lost Kids' Booth, claiming they didn't know where their mom was, and with a policeman on the way. After my friend arrived and calmed everyone down, she took her kids on the rides. In an attempt to get her 8 year-old to think for himself, she allowed him to go on one too many spinning rides, resulting in him wobbling off the final ride and promptly throwing up. Then, the next day, he had a fever of 103 degrees, slept through the day, and was distraught that he was waking up for dinner when he'd never even eaten lunch. "I was just trying to be a good mom!" my friend cried later, as we both laughed about it on her porch while all of our kids played . . . somewhere.
Anyway, no real harm done, and I am so happy that there's a book out there that is encouraging parents to let kids be kids and to give ourselves a break; as Free-Range Kids alludes, a parent's biggest enemy today is not a child molester or a kidnapper, but -- actually -- another critical parent. We are more likely to censure each other than support each other (see "God, I'm Awesome"), which, truly, is a shame.
So, there you have it: a lovely set of four books to start a library for that expectant mother or that annoying helicopter parent in your life. Sure, not everyone is going to appreciate these books, but that's OK: those people are too uptight, with no sense of humor or flexibility, anyway.
Still, in the spirit of selfless service, I thought I'd share these books with all of you; perhaps you have a pregnant friend, particularly a first-time parent, who would find these books helpful.
Go The F*** To Sleep
This book employs soothing poetry and soft illustrations to lull you into a sense of peacefulness at one of the most trying times for new (and seasoned) parents: bedtime. My favorite passage:
The eagles who soar through the sky are at rest
And the creatures who crawl, run and creep
I know you're not thirsty. That's bullshit. Stop lying.
Lie the fuck down, my darling, and sleep.
OK, be offended all you want, but you know you've thought this very thing with your own kids, your nieces and nephews, and that obnoxiously-screaming child next door.
Here's Samuel L. Jackson's rendition of it:
Remember what Tom Selleck's character says in Three Men and a Baby: "It doesn't matter what I read, it's the tone you use. She doesn't understand the words anyway"
In other words, feel free to read Go The F*** To Sleep to your nine-month-old. He's too stupid to know what you're saying.
Sippy Cups Are Not For Chardonnay and Naptime Is The New Happy Hour
"When you're pregnant, people constantly assure you that you'll feel this incredible, overwhelming love for your baby, like nothing you've ever known before (clearly most of them have never done ecstasy), the very second your sweet little bundle is placed into your waiting arms. They say that whether you are scared or ill prepared or excited and impatient to be a parent, you will experience a deep unfathomably profound bond right away. Let me take a moment to let you in on a little secret: bullshit."
- from Sippy Cups Are Not For Chardonnay
I totally want to be Stephanie Wilder-Taylor's friend. She writes the way I think, with an irrevrent, though loving, look at parenting and life in general. I feel very strongly that she and I are kindred spirits; separated sisters; the same soul in two minds. So maybe her mind is more successful and articulate than mine, and maybe her mind doesn't understand a passionately-written 27-page fan-letter for what it is and chooses to interpret it as 'creepy', but so what? I'm sure I'll be able to convince her otherwise when I actually speak to her in person. As soon as the restraining order expires.
Free-Range Kids
Of course, there will be bumps along the way. For instance, the friend who showed me this book told me about her first failed attempt to be free-range. Her two 4-H kids, aged 5 and 8, had been at the fair three days in a row to show their chickens. On the fourth day, she set them up in chairs in the same barn they'd been in for days, gave them each an ice cream cone, then ran to a nearby kiosk to buy them ride tickets. As she waited in the long line, in the sweltering heat, she congratulated herself on being such a good mom and not subjecting her little ones to sunstroke and boredom. However, in the 20 minutes she was gone, her children somehow ended up, crying and hysterical, at the Lost Kids' Booth, claiming they didn't know where their mom was, and with a policeman on the way. After my friend arrived and calmed everyone down, she took her kids on the rides. In an attempt to get her 8 year-old to think for himself, she allowed him to go on one too many spinning rides, resulting in him wobbling off the final ride and promptly throwing up. Then, the next day, he had a fever of 103 degrees, slept through the day, and was distraught that he was waking up for dinner when he'd never even eaten lunch. "I was just trying to be a good mom!" my friend cried later, as we both laughed about it on her porch while all of our kids played . . . somewhere.
Anyway, no real harm done, and I am so happy that there's a book out there that is encouraging parents to let kids be kids and to give ourselves a break; as Free-Range Kids alludes, a parent's biggest enemy today is not a child molester or a kidnapper, but -- actually -- another critical parent. We are more likely to censure each other than support each other (see "God, I'm Awesome"), which, truly, is a shame.
So, there you have it: a lovely set of four books to start a library for that expectant mother or that annoying helicopter parent in your life. Sure, not everyone is going to appreciate these books, but that's OK: those people are too uptight, with no sense of humor or flexibility, anyway.
Comments
Post a Comment