God, I'm Awesome

Yes, it looks like he's just watching half-naked ladies; but, really, I'm encouraging hand-eye coordination by teaching him how to use YouTube.

My kid's better than your kid, so, naturally, that means I'm a better mom than you.

I've seen you in the grocery store, giving in to your girl's red-faced screams for more Frosted Frooty Marshmallow Puffs.  Did you notice my child?  He was the one giggling in the cart while he helped me put broccoli in the basket. 

I've watched you on the playground, trying to control your little devil as he threw bark at the other kids.  Did you see my boy?  He was the one happily pretending to cook me french fries and waffles (breakfast of champions!).


I couldn't help but overhear you at the library, trying to catch your child during Storytime while she ran around pulling books off shelves.  Did you happen to notice mine?  Of course not: he was the one sitting quietly in my lap, wide-eyed, watching your child wreak havoc.

It's your own fault, you know.  You're just not as good a mother as I am.  Not everyone can be, after all.

I know a little bit about child development, and I've put that to good use with my child.  I know that right now is the age where he wants to assert some independence, and he can get frustrated not to have any control.  So I trick him into feeling in charge by giving him choices ("Pick out which socks you want."  "Do you want peas or carrots at lunch?"  "Should Mommy read you a boring story or do you want Daddy to read you a really funny one while Mommy surfs the Internet?")

I also have him trained to wait to get out of bed until his window fan, which is on a timer, goes off.  Now I'm working on him taking off his diaper before he leaves his room and bringing his choice of big boy pants, shorts and shirt to my bedside.  Next he'll be fluffing my pillow before toddling downstairs to make me a plate of pancakes and fetch the newspaper.

See?  I'm promoting independence and self-confidence.  It's all about trying to say 'yes' more than you say 'no', and complimenting your child when they're being good.

OK, so you may occasionally catch us on a day when Mr. C screams his way down the cereal aisle.  Maybe you were around a few months ago, when he was the bully of the playgroup.  You might, even today perhaps, have observed me tell Mr. C repeatedly not to do something, then give up and let him do it.  But that's not because I'm a bad mother.

That's because my kid's a little brat.

But he'll be an angel again tomorrow.  And, when he's an angel, it's all due to my fantastic parenting skills.

See how it works?

So, I will sit there and pity you as you're rubbing the shin your little hellion kicked.  I will tsk to myself as I listen to your ineffectual threats.  I will sigh and try to be patient as I remember that not every one is as good at this as I am.

And, when I'm not so good at it, I will blame my child.

Damn, I really do have this mothering thing down.