If You Loved Me, You Wouldn't Feed Me Junk Food Whenever Daddy's Out Of Town

Preparing For The Apocalypse

Pop Quiz:


Left to my own devices for a few days, I will feed my child daily doses of junk food and subject him to frivolous activities because:


a) I’m too lazy to do otherwise
b) Bee didn’t leave us any pre-made, healthy meals
c) I really want my child to love me more than my husband



Keep in mind there may be more than one right answer.


Here’s a rundown of what I’ve subjected Mr. C to in the last few days:

Day One
Morning Activity: drop Bee off at the airport at 6:40 a.m.; immediately proceed to nearest IHOP.
Breakfast: 2 sugary syrup-drenched Hearty Grains pancakes for me; ½ of a sugary syrup-drenched plate-sized Chocolate Smiley-Face pancake for Mr. C.  No bacon . . . because that would be unhealthy.
Mid-morning Activity: Movie-watching.  Since Mr. C doesn’t want to watch what I want to watch, I banish my sweet angel to his room with the portable DVD player to watch . . . something . . . while I lounge on the couch.  Because I’m an involved parent.
Lunch: leftover pancakes.
Snack: a couple of week-old cookies; scraps from the granola bars I’m making for tomorrow’s Kindergarten snack
Evening Activity: watch Superman II (this time together) while eating dinner.
Dinner: a pack of edamames and 1 high-sodium, Oriental-flavor Top Ramen each.
Dessert: 1 (or was it 2?) freshly-bought popsicles for Mr. C; 2 (or was it 3?) servings of Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food for me.

aren't our Stupid Chickens' eggs pretty?

Day 2
Breakfast: a few eggs each
Morning Activity: volunteer in Mr. C’s classroom
Snack: the tasty (and healthy!) granola bars I’d made yesterday (Bonus Points: they were well-received)
Lunch: homemade vegetable soup with slow-cooked, grass-fed goat roast (which may look like an attempt to redeem myself, but is actually – as will soon be seen – just a well-disguised act of laziness).
Afternoon Activity: thrift-store-hopping to buy crap we really don’t need, but suddenly ($2.99 for a 6-set of metallic paint pens!!) HAVE to have; a stop at the local fun-center to use our last coupon for a bumper car ride
Dinner: more homemade vegetable soup with slow-cooked, grass-fed goat roast; ½ a grilled cheese sandwich
Dessert: Peanut Butter S’mores (Please note: we ate only 1 full-sized S’more [each]: I’d prepared 2.  [Each.])

Day 3
Breakfast: 2 eggs for me; a hastily thrown-together PB&J for Mr. C to eat on the way to school, since his perpetual morning procrastination has yet-again made him dangerously close to being the first Kindergartener with a tardy (the humiliation!)
Morning Activity: work in the shop (read: procrastinate at the computer) while Mr. C’s at school.
Lunch: yet-another round of homemade vegetable soup with slow-cooked, grass-fed goat roast
Afternoon Activity: Round Two of thrift-store-hopping to buy crap we really don’t need, but suddenly (1/2 off on a $1.99 green wig!!) HAVE to have; a late-afternoon showing of Planes at the dollar theater.
Snack: 3-day-old popcorn, snuck into the theater.
Dinner: 1 Carl’s Jr. Bacon Guacamole burger each (OK: a few bites for Mr. C and 1 + Mr. C’s leftovers for me); a few bites of Buffalo Ranch Cross-Cut Fries (thankfully for my waistline, they were too spicy for me to eat them all); 1 shared Small Lemonade.
Evening Activity: the play structure at Carl’s Jr. (Thank you, fast food franchises, for your fluorescent-lit, temperature-controlled, plastic jungle gyms!)
After-The-Kid’s-In-Bed Activity: 1 (or was it 2?) servings of Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food (yes, I’m shocked it’s not-yet gone, too) and a viewing of Mr. and Mrs. Smith whilst lounging in the bathtub (because it's the only warm place in the house since I'm too lazy to start a fire.)

Day 4
Breakfast: see above.
Morning Activity: work in the shop (read: procrastinate on the couch) while Mr. C’s at school.
Lunch: STILL-more homemade vegetable soup with slow-cooked, grass-fed goat roast (OK: now this is just ridiculous)

WILL IT NEVER BE FINISHED?!

Afternoon Activity: house-cleaning (sadly, not my own); delivering Very Tart Lemon Bars for the Sugarbee Cookie Club (you know you want to join!); delivering a wooden spoon order to the local nature center’s gift shop; picking up dinner.
Dinner: a small Papa John’s sausage pizza and an order of breadsticks.
Evening Activity: more movie watching.  There may be some S’mores or ice cream involved.

Day 5
Breakfa-
Oh, why bother: you get the point.
Evening Activity: Pick up Bee from the airport; spend the next few hours – in response to Bee’s queries – innocently wondering aloud why Mr. C has diarrhea (“It’s confounding!  You can SEE that I made a big pot of vegetable soup!”) and, also, why the child keeps insisting that Daddy’s Not As Fun As Mommy.

So:



SCORE!!!