I Know You Are, But What Am I?

I'm rubber and you're glue

Ahh, the art of the Snappy Comeback: responding to someone with a comment so quick and audacious that they’ve no choice but to bow down to your intellectual superiority. It is an art I’ve yet to master. I’m very good at the Thirty-Second Comeback: the one that occurs long after the occasion is over, and is therefore of no use to you. For instance, there was that time in middle school when 

David Lago, a boy who used to tease me throughout science class, marched up to me at my locker and asked if I ever smiled. I scrambled to think of something suave to say, but all I came up with was a muttered, “Only when my doggy smiles at me.” Then I stumbled off, embarrassed at my pathetic response, while he called after me, “Did you really just say only when your dog smiles at you?”

I was halfway down the hall when it occurred to me that the perfect response to the annoying, “Do you ever smile?” would have been a calm and cool, “Only when you’re not around.” I nearly went back to deliver my triumphant line; luckily, good sense intervened and I realized that a Snappy Comeback is only good when it’s . . . you know . . . snappy.

I struck out on that cursed day with David Lago, as I have struck out hundreds of times since. Oh, if only my brain worked fast enough to have the proper response in lightning-fast time! If only my sarcasm could keep up with the occasion in a witty yet demoralizing fashion!

As it is, I think I’m only capable of delivering snappy comebacks when I’m truly irritated by the person. Which perhaps explains why most of them occur in response to something Bee has said (and he usually doesn’t appreciate the skill inherent in my retort). With other people, my snappy comebacks are few and far between. In fact, I can only think of two occasions; two of which I am pathetically proud:

1) A friend and I went to a dance club to see the band. We were quietly sipping our drinks and listening to the music when a guy passed by and made eye contact. Apparently, making eye contact is as good as inviting a guy to stop. Which is exactly what he did.

“You wanna dance?” he asked us both. To which we sourly shook our heads. I could feel a doozy of a line coming on; you must understand that I hate lines.

Sure enough, the guy came up with “Why not? You’re pretty enough.” (Is it just me, or is that kind of insulting?) “What are you waiting for?” he continued.

Which was my cue to snap, “Something better!”

And, as proud as I am of that quick retort, I felt bad as soon as I’d said it, particularly since both my friend and the guy looked at me as if I’d just stepped on a baby kitten. Sigh, I guess that’s the problem with leaping before you look.

2) My car having just been totaled in an accident, I was scouring the used car lots for something safe and affordable. I had hardly been on the fifth lot for more than a minute before a salesman swooped down on me.

“What can I help you with?” he asked.

“I need a sedan that’s a step up from my last car but that won’t cause me to go over budget,” I began.

“Ahh,” he interrupted. “Follow me.” He took off at a quick pace. “I know exactly what you need.”

I did not immediately follow him because – give me a break! – how could he know exactly what I needed when he’d only met me ten seconds ago, didn’t know what my previous car was, and had no clue what monthly payments I was now prepared to make?

The salesman stopped when he realized I wasn’t following him. “What’s wrong?” he asked. “Don’t you trust me?”

And, before I could stop myself, I blurted out, “Well, you are a used car salesman.”

Actually, I really liked that one. But I don’t think the salesman was amused.

And that’s it: two times in my life when I’ve had the right thing to say at the right time. When I felt powerful – if only for a second – and devastating.

And now it’s your turn to share in the Comments section: have you ever managed a glorious Snappy Comeback of which you are inordinately proud?