The Toxic Housewife

Dr. Scott : You don't want to hurt anyone. Samara Morgan : But I do, and I'm sorry. It won't stop.                                   - The Ring Loyd Auerbach, parapsycologist My college once brought in a lecturer who went by the nickname "Professor Paranormal".  One of the things he discussed was that what we often think of as 'ghosts' can actually be something completely different.  For instance, say you move into a new house and repeatedly see a woman in your living room flipping through a newspaper.  If that woman appears the exact same way over and over, never varying her motions or interacting with you, then she is not -- strictly defined -- a 'ghost'.  She is in fact just an image left behind, just like you can take a picture and leave it somewhere.  The image may be of nothing special.  The person who left that 'picture' has no mental connection to ...

My kid's around here somewhere . . . I think I suddenly realized a few days ago that I have seemingly become what I always despised: one of those women who lets their children run rampant whilst she is obliviously off in her own world -- chatting on her cell phone, drinking Starbucks, completely turned away from her child. Okay, I'm not that bad (mostly because I hate Starbucks), but I suspect other people think I'm that bad.

Backseat Driver #2 I’m not claiming to be the best driver in the world.  I truly didn’t get a chance to start driving until I was 24, and it took me years to feel comfortable doing so.  Yes, I nearly ran over a cop once.  Yes, I bumped into a white pick-up one day, then almost did the same thing at the same time in the same intersection with the SAME TRUCK the next day.  And, to my immortal shame, I once got a speeding ticket because I was so busy rockin’ out to William Hung.  But those days are behind me now.

I have a few friends who are pregnant, and I keep trying to think of appropriate, yet original, baby gifts.  In the last few months, I've read several books that I would love to send to them; they'd definitely be original . . . however, I don't know that these particular friends would find them appropriate. Still, in the spirit of selfless service, I thought I'd share these books with all of you; perhaps you have a pregnant friend, particularly a first-time parent, who would find these books helpful.

practicing for our next beauty pageant Mr. C and I just returned from a trip to my parents’.  It was a gloriously relaxing week, but an intellectually-stimulating one as well.  I came to the following three realizations: 1)    I may be a self-sufficient, perfectly grown thirty-two year-old woman with a child of my own, but I (apparently) will never be too adult to allow my mother to fetch me a snack as I read on the couch. 2)    No matter how long you’ve known someone – say, since birth – there are always parts of yourself you’ll be surprised they don’t know about.  For instance, my mom seemed shocked to discover that I adore malted milk balls.  Her unfamiliarity with this most-basic part of my character was as unsettling to me as if she’d only just learned I was allergic to peanuts or deathly afraid of dogs.  Doesn’t everyone know I love Whoppers?  OK, so maybe I haven’t eaten one in years, but that’s only because I kn...

I love the idea of long hair . . . just mostly on other people.  I have always lusted after men with long hair, which makes it particularly ironic that Bee is slowly balding (but in a sexy way, Honey!).

A former girlfriend congratulated Bee on "getting out of the headlights".  Naturally, I couldn't resist. I celebrated two milestones this last week . . .